


Don't Break Him

by Mercey



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam and Gansey's first (and only) kiss, Angst, I had to make sense of the "don't break him" line, M/M, Pre-Canon, The Raven Cycle - Freeform, adansey, thank a 5am chat with my partner for this, this is just me writing obnoxiously and making it adansey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:35:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28498401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercey/pseuds/Mercey
Summary: Adam and Gansey have always had a strained friendship, but Gansey's anxieties about Adam and Ronan aren't exactly unfounded. Adam had broken Gansey once before, after all.
Relationships: Richard Gansey III & Adam Parrish, Richard Gansey III/Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 16
Kudos: 62





	Don't Break Him

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SelflessAmbition](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelflessAmbition/gifts).



> This is my attempt to make sense of the "don't break him, Adam" line, I hope y'all enjoy the angst!!

The first time Adam kissed Gansey was early in their friendship. 

Adam was weary after sporting a tender ache throughout the school day, courtesy of his bruised shoulder. This was a particularly hazardous grievance in the vicinity of Aglionby boys, for whom a slap on the back constituted a greeting. It would be simple enough to explain his injury, or lie. But Adam wasn’t a liar. He was hard enough to know already without throwing fake clues out into the void, and the truth was simply unpalatable, so he stayed quiet. 

Of course, this was mainly due to the real reason for Adam’s bruised shoulder being Robert Parrish’s penchant for hurling his son against trailer walls. 

Repressing grimaces proved to be a tiresome feat, and Adam walked to Gansey’s Camaro in something of a trance: eyes squinted, shoulders slumped, footsteps heavy. It was as close to sleep as he got in those days.

Gansey was already seated and buckled in, eating a granola bar with bits of fruit in it. He started the car as soon as Adam was inside, warming the engine and bumping knuckles with him in greeting. 

‘No Ronan today?’ Adam asked.

Gansey shook his head, mouth a thin line as he chewed. ‘Said he had “better shit to do,” which means he’s doing absolutely nothing to better his future and is wasting the opportunities he’s been given.’

Adam cocked his head. Although he had no experience with being parented, it was interesting to watch Gansey suffer what could only be described as paternal exasperation. Adam wondered if Ronan knew that he’d inadvertently scored a third guardian—fourth, if you counted Declan, but Adam knew by then that Ronan didn’t—then found himself marvelling at the fact that so many people had taken it upon themselves to parent Ronan Lynch. After all, no one had deemed it necessary to parent Adam Parrish. Adam Parrish was unparentable.

‘You know you don’t have to say things like that just because you’re talking to me,’ Adam said.

Gansey frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean you don’t have to complain about Ronan “wasting his opportunities,” just because I’m in the car, Gansey. I know  _ you  _ know what it means to go here without a scholarship. You don’t have to prove it to me.’

Gansey touched his thumb to his lip. ‘I’m not sure I understand,’ he said, pushing the gearstick out of park and easing the car forwards.

Adam closed his eyes. ‘Don’t worry about it.’

They suffered the remainder of the car ride without speaking, just the loud roar of the Camaro’s engine and the louder orange of the Camaro’s hood to fill the silence. 

Gansey drove past the turn-off to Adam’s trailer park, so he guessed he’d be doing his calculus homework in Monmouth that night. He didn’t care where he did his homework, but the best and worst thing about Gansey was that he didn’t ask. Didn’t ask if Adam would prefer to go home, but also didn’t ask  _ about  _ Adam’s home. Adam would take one if it meant not having to deal with the other. 

Once inside, Gansey called for Ronan—no response—then Noah—also no response—before shrugging expansively at Adam in a “what can you do?” sort of gesture. Adam shrugged back if only to complete the exchange and set himself up in his usual chair, using his lap as a desk. 

Following his lead, Gansey pulled his jumper off and loosened his tie before sprawling on his bed. Only last week, Adam had told Gansey that working where he slept probably wasn’t great for his insomnia. Gansey had simply replied, ‘My insomnia probably isn’t great for me either, yet here we are,’ so Adam dropped it. 

They worked companionably for a while, occasionally asking one another questions or exchanging critiques about their teachers. It was quite possibly the longest the two of them had engaged in small-talk since their introduction not three months before. Adam waited for the other shoe to drop.

Gansey slammed his history book shut—which, as far as shoe-dropping goes, isn’t an entirely dissimilar sound—and fixed Adam with a curious look. 

‘What did you mean?’ he said. ‘Earlier. In the Pig.’

‘About what?’

Gansey’s look turned withering. ‘About me not having to prove something. I know you remember.’

Adam rolled his eyes, closing his own book. ‘And how do you know that?’

‘Because it was important to you. You wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise.’

‘It wasn’t—’ but the lie got caught in Adam’s teeth. He sighed. It came out like a hiss; water meeting a newly-forged sword by Adam’s own making, for Adam’s own destruction. ‘I don’t expect you to understand,’ he said delicately. ‘It’s not something you’ve ever had to think about, and I don’t resent you for that.’

‘Resent me? Christ, Adam.’ 

Adam grimaced at Gansey’s bewildered expression. ‘It’s just— Sometimes you can come across a little… preachy. Like earlier in the car, when you said Ronan was “squandering his privilege” or— I can’t remember exactly what you said.’ Adam rubbed his eyes. ‘Just, believe me, I already know how Ronan Lynch is, you don’t have to reassure me that you’re different.’

Feeling the beginnings of anger stirring in his gut, Adam stood and began packing away his things. 

Gansey’s voice cracked when he asked, ‘Am I?’

‘What?’ Adam paused in his packing to glance at Gansey, looking strangely crooked and insecure on the bed.

‘Am I really all that different? I don’t mean to prove anything. I shouldn’t think that I have to.’

‘You don’t have to, that’s what I’m saying.’

‘I clearly don’t know that I’m doing it.’ 

‘You don’t, and I don’t expect you to.’

‘Oh, well, if you don’t  _ expect me to,’  _ Gansey said, cold and polite in a way Adam was starting to learn heralded danger. ‘I apologise for my ignorance.’

Adam crossed his arms. ‘Gansey—’

‘And I didn’t say Ronan was “squandering” anything, thank you very much.’

‘Are you seriously getting pissed off?  _ You?’ _

Gansey rolled off of his bed, the move oddly violent, though Adam didn’t feel threatened. He never felt threatened by Gansey. ‘You don’t think I have the right? You’re telling me I’m a supercilious asshole—’

‘Asshole would have sufficed.’

‘—and you expect me to not question why you think that?’

‘You try too hard, Gansey!’

The two of them were so close that Adam could see the flecks of gold in Gansey’s brown eyes; could see the dimple by the side of his mouth, and the red mark on his other cheek where he’d been leaning on his hand. Adam could feel their fragile friendship withering while he watched, and it was all his own fault. 

He’d been so worried that the class differences between him and Gansey would lead to their destruction, and then Adam had sped up the process. 

He needed to stop talking. Gansey needed to stop talking. Adam’s pulse thrummed in his wrists, his thoughts racing ahead of his common sense. Urgently—senselessly—Adam grabbed Gansey’s loosened tie, watched Gansey’s eyes widen, squeezed his own eyes shut, and pulled Gansey into a hard, frantic kiss. 

It took just a few moments for Gansey to respond, but when he did, he gave Adam his best. Adam felt Gansey’s fingers sink into his hair, his palms cradling Adam’s jaw. Adam fisted his own hands in Gansey’s shirt as their mouths connected again and again. Unerring, inevitable, impossible. 

Wrapped up in each other and the confusion burning through them, Adam pried at his anger, stretching it out into something unrecognisable. Gansey kissed Adam like how he’d befriended him: fierce and quick, without hesitation or doubt, and Adam was lost to it.

The few times Adam had kissed someone before hadn’t been like this. He hadn’t been angry any of those times, yet Adam found that his frustrations could take on a pleasant burn.

He relished in the feel of Gansey’s lips and in the little sounds of approval that escaped them. Adam tugged Gansey right up against him, slipping his tongue into Gansey’s mouth when it opened on a gasp. 

Power was something that Adam usually shirked. He didn’t like holding power over anyone else, nor did he like power being held over him. But Adam didn’t think he minded power of this kind. Gansey had reigned supreme for long enough, and it was Adam’s turn.

Absently, Adam wondered if these thoughts said anything about him. He didn’t usually give much credit to his own thoughts, but in this case his actions had also betrayed far too much. Giving one small sound of warning, Adam pulled away from Gansey, stumbling a little as he did.

Their chests heaved as they stared at one another, breaths coming hard and fast. If Gansey had looked crooked before, he was well and truly rumpled now. Cheeks flushed, hair going every which way, shirt untucked. Adam had done that.

‘Adam, I—’ Gansey started then turned away. ‘I need to collect my thoughts.’

Adam swallowed, burrowing his hands deep into his pockets. ‘Havin’ a lot of those, are you?’

‘You could certainly say that.’

The silence carried between them, especially prevalent in the absence of Ronan and Noah; blatant in the presence of a dying day. 

Adam was loathe to break the silence, but—

‘It’s getting dark, Gansey.’

Gansey blinked at Adam, his fingers still touching his lips. He looked startled for exactly a second before a calm acceptance fell over his face.

‘I’ll drive you home, then.’

Adam’s mouth quirked up in a semi-smile. He turned around to collect his things while Gansey headed right out the door. It was a strangely impolite thing for him to do, but Adam supposed Gansey needed a moment to himself; he knew he was grateful for the space and took his time tying his shoes. 

By the time Adam joined Gansey in the Pig, he was as he had always been. If it weren’t for Adam’s racing heart and the slight tingle of his lips, he would think he’d imagined the entire encounter. He did tend to hallucinate when he was tired sometimes, but bugs on his arms couldn’t compare to Richard Campbell Gansey the Third  _ in  _ his arms. His imagination wasn’t quite so kind, nor so vivid. 

Gansey was the first to speak, keeping his eyes on the road but his head tilted slightly towards Adam to show his attention. ‘Would you like to… talk about what just happened?’ Gansey asked. ‘Adam?’

‘What do you want to talk about?’ Adam returned.

‘Well—’ Gansey cleared his throat. ‘—I wondered how you came to the conclusion to— to initiate— ah…’

‘To kiss you?’ Adam prompted.

‘Yes,’ Gansey said, blush colouring his cheeks. ‘I wondered if you’d thought about it prior to… actually kissing me.’

Adam turned to face the window. He could feel Gansey’s attention burning into the back of his skull. ‘I have thought about it,’ he admitted quietly. ‘I obviously didn’t think it would happen like that, but— I guess, I should have asked first. Sorry.’

‘No, that’s okay,’ Gansey said. He was thoughtful, adopting the tone usually reserved for his Welsh King or for asking Adam about the excessive play in the Pig’s steering. ‘I’m just trying to figure it out. Why did you pick that moment, exactly?’

Adam squinted. ‘Um, I don’t know? Why’s it important?’

‘We were  _ fighting,  _ Adam,’ Gansey muttered.

It took Adam a moment or two to compute the words, but once he did, anger flared up in his chest. ‘And what?’ he snapped. ‘You think that gets me in the mood?’

‘I didn’t say that, I—’

‘Maybe arguing gets  _ you  _ in the mood. You didn’t exactly have any complaints five minutes ago.’

‘I  _ know,’  _ Gansey shot back, shutting Adam up instantly. ‘I think it just took it ending for me to realise I maybe wasn’t so fond of it beginning.’

‘What does that even  _ mean?’  _

‘It means,’ Gansey said, pulling up outside of Adam’s trailer, ‘that I don’t think those were the right circumstances to kiss me under. I prefer to keep aggression and affection as two separate phenomena in future.’

‘I see,’ Adam replied, voice hard as concrete and twice as cold. ‘And you think I don’t know how to do that?’

‘No, Adam, you’re not listeni—’

‘You think I’m the poor little scholarship boy who—’ Adam stopped himself. He wasn’t this person, and earning Gansey’s shock wasn’t worth the embarrassment that was sure to follow. ‘See you tomorrow, Gansey.’

He opened the door. 

‘Adam, get back in the car—’

He slammed it shut. Then Adam walked inside, not looking back at his friend once. 

The kiss and subsequent fight was forgotten by both of them by the next morning when Gansey picked Adam up from school. The entire fiasco remained forgotten, a standard secret kept between the two of them and shrouded in regret, until the night of Ronan Lynch’s birthday party.

That night, Ronan kissed Adam and, revelling in doubt, Adam had asked Gansey questions never before considered. Adam had asked Gansey what to do. 

**_‘Don’t break him, Adam.’_ **

**_‘I’m not an idiot, Gansey.’_ **

**_‘I’m serious. He’s not as tough as he seems.’_ **

**_‘I’m_ ** **not an idiot,** **_Gansey.’_ **

He shouldn’t have expected a different response, but Adam hardly ever thought of how his kiss could have affected Gansey. At the time, he had thought Gansey to be indestructible, and never thought to ask again once he’d discovered the truth. It occurred to Adam that perhaps the reason Gansey was so worried about Adam breaking Ronan was because Adam had left Gansey a little broken after their kiss. Only a little and many years ago, but broken nonetheless. 

He wouldn’t break Ronan, Adam vowed in that moment, with Ronan’s kiss still on his lips and Gansey’s advice to be honest with himself still hanging in the air. 

‘I think that’s what I needed to hear,’ Adam said quietly.

‘I do my best.’

Adam watched Gansey chew on a mint leaf and simply said, ‘I know.’

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/CAMercey) or [Tumblr!!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/camercey)


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